It’s Tuesday April 23rd. If I had stuck to my plans, I’d be waking up at Ainsworth State Park in the Columbia Gorge, on my first bike camping expedition of the year. But instead, I’m at home. What exactly got me here, or more correctly, what didn’t get me there? The weather is beautiful, sun and highs around 70F/21C, so that’s no excuse. My Bantam touring bike is in working order, so that’s not the problem. No, the problem is me, or more specifically my body and mind.
Okay, let’s back up a bit. I’ve been wanting to go bike camping for a while. March brings Daylight Savings and the opening of some of my favorite local campgrounds. This is when the itch for bike camping returns, and I hope for the alignment of good weather and free time. Sometimes this takes a bit, as spring weather can be fickle. The “just right” alignment happened this Monday and Tuesday. Not only would the weather be good, but Emee would be out of town–it’s a lot easier to decide to sleep solo in a tent when you wouldn’t have anyone to cuddle with at home.
I cleared my schedule for these two days and planned to head to my campground of choice, Ainsworth. A ride to here would mean witnessing some of the beauty of the Columbia River Gorge. And I knew that it would be manageable–a 25-mile (40km) jaunt from the east end of the MAX. And I had planned to take the Columbia Gorge Express bus back on Tuesday morning so I’d have time to do stuff around the house in the afternoon. Easy-peasy, right?
But Monday morning manifested itself, and I had no drive to head out. I thought I could push myself and then hope that the enthusiasm would return later in the day, especially after I scaled the big climb to Women’s Forum and drank in the grand view of the Gorge. But I just couldn’t get my foot out the door. I was drained, not just physically, but mentally. Why?
The day before was the annual Portland Tweed Ride, a ride that I’ve had some capacity in organizing since 2012. This year I didn’t have to either lead or plan the ride, as we now have a new person, Jason, who was doing the heavy lifting. But I was still there for support and help, and even if I’m not the leader, I’m still in “ride leading” mode. While I did get in a good amount of riding on Sunday (25 mi/40km total), I felt more mentally exhausted than anything else. The ride did go well and I did have fun. But when the ride ended, I just wanted to ride home, crawl up in a ball, and not deal with anyone for a couple days.
Even though the mental exhaustion was stronger, there was still physical exhaustion. On top of the 25 miles on Sunday, Emee and I rode 20 miles on Saturday. I don’t remember the last time I did back-to-back 20 or more mile days while in town. There was a time in my life when this kind of distance was no big deal, but as someone who is pushing 50 and has gained a significant amount of weight in the past five years, it is now.
Of course not going camping is going to lead to some degree of “beating myself up”, a sport that I excel at. I had been looking forward to going for quite some time, and any time I skip out of bike camping I wonder if I still “like” it or not or have lost my mojo, which is my big bike touring hang-up. I know that I do still dig the whole bike camp/tour biz. But I’m also realizing that I need things to be “just right” and can’t shoehorn it into an already busy schedule without feeling spent.
There was a time in my life when I could work until 3 pm, then hop on my loaded bike and ride to camp. But now I need some recovery time if I do something that taxes my mental and/or physical energies. And this is part of getting old. I wish I could freeze in time myself from my early-mid thirties, when I had the stamina to ride all the time, any distance, and when I could just lead lots and lots of bike rides without wearing myself out. That me is gone. I can build up my stamina again to some degree, but I can’t go back. I need to make peace with that. I will go bike camping soon, but I need to make sure it will happen on a day when I won’t be exhausted.
And I want my bike camping experience to be enjoyable. I can’t enjoy it if I feel wiped out, and feel like I’m pushing myself beyond my capabilities. That wouldn’t be fun. I just have to wait for my batteries to recharge and choose a date when I won’t feel stretched. There will be better weather than not in the coming months, so I’m sure I’ll get another opportunity pretty soon.
Urban Adventure League 
All I can say is “Yup, I can realate”.
Thanks. Glad I’m not alone.
It’s funny, this aging thing. There’s a lot of little things you can ignore through your later 30s and earlier 40s, and one day you confront something that makes you notice.
Well, this sounds familliar… I never have found courage to do actual camping – I always use some form of “bed and breakfast”. So there is a form of motivation – I have to go as it’s already paid… But still, sometimes I have a lack of energy, too…
A bike tour with indoor lodging is nice, and I’ve definitely done my share. But there’s something about sleeping under the stars…
I totally get it. I am now 65 and it is frustrating that I am unable to “pull it together” to do some of things that used to bring me joy!!!
I still do some, but at times I just can’t get in the right place in my head … it comes and goes, not always … hopefully you will find a way to get out and do what you want.
I can relate to this, especially now. I have just moved, which hasn’t left me much time for cycling. (I’ve been pedaling to work and have done a couple of “fun”’rides of 20-25 miles.) The move really is reminding me that I am 15 years older than I was the last time I moved.
Oh, and I’ve moved into a senior citizen’s apartment!
Holy F this hits hard:
“There was a time in my life when I could work until 3 pm, then hop on my loaded bike and ride to camp. But now I need some recovery time if I do something that taxes my mental and/or physical energies. And this is part of getting old. I wish I could freeze in time myself from my early-mid thirties, when I had the stamina to ride all the time, any distance, and when I could just lead lots and lots of bike rides without wearing myself out. That me is gone. I can build up my stamina again to some degree, but I can’t go back.“
Really feeling this lack of energy that I remember having (think I should still have) and I’m younger than you are. Makes me want to plan a bike camping trip just to prove I still can. Reminds me of a conversation I once had with an older regular customer at the bike shop, who expressed how he moderates or saves his energy for some endeavours because it was more limited. At the time (in my early 30s) I didn’t understand, but now… How do you make peace with something that heavy..?
It’s hard to make peace, but ya gotta, otherwise you fool yourself into thinking you are still young and can do everything at the same pace you did when 27.
Turning 40 is lot heavier than turning 30. At that age, you still have pretty much all your stamina, so you think everyone’s made a big deal about growing old. So you think that 40 would be the same as 30, but it isn’t. Aging can be pretty subtle, until you notice it.