In my last post, I offhandedly noted that I was “going through some stuff”. Well, “stuff” is a way to loosely define what’s been rattling around in my head for far too long. To put it bluntly, I’ve been unsatisfied with myself and what’s around me for a bit.
Now there have been good times, no doubt. And I do manage to have fun from time to time. And nothing real bad has happened to me either, besides April and I breaking up three years ago. But I feel like I’m stuck, like I can’t figure out to get to that next level in my life. And I’m getting tired of this stuck feeling, but still can’t get over it.
How long have I been feeling this? I guess ever since I got back from the Big Tour in 2011. Up until that point, while things were not “easy”, I felt like I was “working towards something”. And I rather naively thought that the tour would change me in a way that I would be different and things would be different when I got back. Well, they weren’t, at least not enough. If anything, the problem was that things were too much “the same” as they were before. But now there was a certain hollowness to it all. I tried my best to distract myself from thinking about it, which worked for some time. But I knew that April and I fell into our old traps. Then we drifted apart, and the relationship fell apart.
Breaking up with someone can be a liberating thing for some, because one can do things without fear of what the other thinks. But I squandered that chance. I had the idea for a few months of moving somewhere else. Instead I dwelled on the dissolusionment of our relationship for far too long. I felt sad for far too long. For awhile I thought to myself, “Well, if you feel like you should feel sad, feel sad.” But I got sick of that.
I’m to the point where I’ve finally gotten over it. But it would be nice to fall in love again. And I felt like I almost had that. I was dating someone for a bit, and things seemed like they were going well, but in the end it didn’t work out. And I’m bummed because I really liked (and still like) that person. And it felt really good to like someone again, and feel liked by someone else. It was the best that I had felt in years. Now I’m back to square one again. It’s always been hard for me to find someone, and I haven’t had that many relationships in my life.
But still, I need to figure out What Happens Next. My job is tolerable at best, but hasn’t felt fulfilling for some time. And I’ve been there for ten years! At least I get some decent benefits, but still, I want something that fulfills me. I also have slacked significantly on being an artist. I draw infrequently, and rarely “for fun.” I haven’t thought about art being a job for quite some time.
And man, I’d like to get out there and bike more. I get jealous when I see everyone’s “epic” bike adventures. But I know that even with the generous amount of vacation time I get, it’s hard to do anything more than a week or so during the summer months. So I wait for the time that I can do a bigger tour. Maybe next year.
And that seems to be the solution to all my dilemmas. Next year. Next year, I’ll move to a different place. Next year, I’ll go back to school to learn a marketable skill. (What skill? I don’t know.) Next year, I’ll get serious about art. Next year, I’ll take the summer off and go on a bike tour or manage a wilderness hostel. Next year, I’ll find love.
But this has been going on for the past few years. And when next year rolls around, nothing happens. Then I wait for the following year. You can see that this isn’t getting me anywhere. But I need to figure out how to get out of this hole I’ve been digging. Maybe stopping digging is the first step?